Hi Everyone!
If you're reading this, hello! I hope this blog post finds you well, like that email tagline but more genuine feelings of warmth and well wishes and less work curtesy. I hope I find you easing yourself forward in life, despite the difficulties you may be facing, I hope I find you feeling hopeful, and I hope I find you more confident in yourself than ever before.
It feels strange typing on here again, like an old friend. It's been a good decade since I've written a blog post.
My aunt recommended that I start this journey off of the right foot and actually write things down as I go through it. Then I remembered I used to run a blog, a book blog to be exact, and here I am back to you.
You see this journey I speak of...it's a BIG ONE for me.
I live in the United States, I have my whole life but soon I will be moving to Thailand for 2 years!
If you would have asked me 5 years ago if this is would be something I would do, I would've looked at you with a giant side-eye for even asking. However, last year my whole life changed and with it, my structured, always-have-a-steady-life personality. (I'm a Capricorn, after all).
Let's just say the old me couldn't eat spicy food, swallow pills, spend money at the mall, get shots/blood drawn, or travel alone. On all of these things, I've done a complete 180!!!
Last year, I made a big decision and quit my job. It was necessary for my health, and also my growth. I took my hard-earned savings and basically blew through most of it in one epic year (I mean hello? Would the old me even dream of flying to South Korea and wearing a Hanbok and visiting a palace? Definitely not. Well I did. The old me is gone.)
I've learned many things. I've learned that my voice deserves to be heard and I should speak up for my needs and desires, even if it feels like it'll be useless. There is a power in speaking up that I can feel. Something soul-deep happens when I would keep it to myself. It felt quite crushing and defeating. So even if no one listens or cares, speaking up for myself DOES actually matter. And it does something for me. I don't have to wait for respect. I don't have to be (or look) older. I don't have to seek it from others in order to be allowed to feel it. I am worthy of respect now and in fact, I can demand it for no other reason than I feel I deserve it.
I've also learned how to do absolutely nothing. I've learned to put my needs first, to say no to others, to cut out friends that are no longer needed, to stay calm in a tense situation/argument. I've also learned how to derive satisfaction from life, not from productivity but just from living, from being. I learned to let go of a lot of the judgement I perceived from others. Quitting my job, building my own business, and making content on social media kind of forced me to stop worrying about what others thought...at least, I care far less now than I ever used to.
Finally I learned that I can, in fact, live over full year off my savings and still travel all over the country and the world, with the loving support of my family helping to make it possible. I have no regrets and that feels amazing.
In as little as 2 weeks time I will be living and working in a country I've never even set foot in. I have a condo ready and waiting for me to move it, bosses/colleagues/students eager to meet me in person, and friends on the other side of the world ready to meet me for the first time, hang out with me and go for food, drinks, and sightseeing!
It's an incredible feeling. It's also incredibly scary!!! But this past year has taught me not to need to know everything ahead of time. Instead I can move through life just seeing the next few feet ahead or so and trust in myself and my own internal guidance that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
My mantra has been everything is ALWAYS working out for me. If not this, then something better will happen. This has been difficult the past week because I planned to be in Thailand by now. But my visa did not get approved in time for the flight I had planned to be on with my sister.
I was really upset at first. My sister took off time from work and money out of her own pocket to pay for the flights and hotel room just to be with me and help me find a place to live there. However, things with my visa got delayed and she ended up going alone.
I spoke with my aunt and she told me it will all work out. I tried to take it in but I kept feeling guilty for how it would affect my sister. The responsibility somehow fell on her shoulders to find me a condo in a few days time and by herself. My aunt knew it would be just fine, my sister is a boss!! She makes moves easily and when she puts her mind to it, she can do anything. She's a solution-focused kind of gal and she never harps on a problem. After all, this was her 2nd solo trip to Thailand. The girl travels alone often and enjoys it!
Would you believe my sister found me an amazing condo, a great gym nearby, and even set me up with friends from the realtor she met and a whole network of people to get to know when I move in?! She even figured out the international wire transfer to the condo owner on her own and did it for me since it was 3am for me. I then sent her the money in return but wow!!! She's the absolute best. She was also happy to do it, much to my surprise.
This, my friends, is the power of my amazing sister. It's also the power of believing that everything is always working out FOR me. I just need to continue having faith (like my amazing aunt and mom told me).
As for the visa, I'm still waiting and I'm ok with that. It's given me the opportunity to spend even more time with my family and friends now. I know I'll miss them all a whole lot so I'm soaking up this time as much as I can. Even this delay, while disappointing at first, is working out the way it was meant to and for my benefit.
For what feels like maybe the first time in my life I am taking the biggest leap of faith yet and having my *Main Character Moment*
For once people will look at me and say things like "She is courageous." More importantly, I can look at me and say, "I'm courageous." I am also living in faith, moving towards something I swore I would never do again in a career field I ran far away from. I'm also going somewhere I've never been without knowing a single person there in-person and flying so far from my friends and family and more than comfortable life here.
But the itch to be with students again is calling me and the urge to travel and experience something new, and the desire to grow as a human being, for my heart and soul, is something I have to do, for me.
This is my moment.
My hope is to learn how to live with less anxiety about the future. In Thailand they have a saying "Mai bpen rai" which is also a sort of lifestyle of no worries. Hakuna Matata, if you will. I'm ready to live like this and allow things to pass without thinking them over and picking them apart to death.
I've also got a better mindset this time around, not to blend into the background and hope my bosses don't call on me for anything but to be fully present in my life! I'm in a space where I step up and make a statement and a splash, to infuse my energy and greatness into the building I'll be working in and everyone I come into contact with will be better off for having met me, will be happier and have more smiles because I'll be there. They will be grateful for my presence and my light. I'll be grateful for theirs. I'll set my intentions everyday and do my "pruning sheers of revision" each night (Thank you "the secret.") I choose now to be present for every moment of my life, even the boring ones, the painful ones, the sad ones, the scary ones, all of it, as much as I can.
Before I just wanted to be unnoticed in life, to walk by peacefully without being called on, being called to work extra and do things I don't want to do. Now I want to be noticed and respected and believe in my firm boundaries and ability to say no or say my thoughts in a professional, peaceful manner that keeps my heart open and my mind on the present. Sometimes it'll work in my favor, other times not, but I'll continue to believe that life is happening FOR ME and everything happens for a reason and if it's not how I imagined, it's because life is setting me up for something even better!!!!! Take life as it comes, speak up if I feel it, and know it will all benefit me in the end, whatever the outcome or circumstances.
Often wrong, but never in doubt. I've heard this is a military saying (if I'm not mistaken, please feel free to correct me.) I really like it because it reminds me not to doubt myself or my abilities. If I mess up, I can take responsibility for it, do my best to make it right, know it will all be ok, and give me more data to make a better, more informed choice the next time.
I'm ready for all of this and if you'd like you can join me for this journey by checking out my blog posts from time to time. This will help keep me accountable and hopefully keep you entertained with the musings of some woman who decided to have her "eat, pray, love " or "under the tuscan sun" moment Thailand-style.
I'm ready for the adventure of a lifetime. I'm filled with hope, and a little fear, but mostly hope for the future.
Wish me luck! (starting with a visa approval).
xo,
Amanda
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